Landon was semi-planned. And by semi-planned, I mean we haphazardly stopped using birth control and found ourselves (mildly terrified) with big news to share five weeks later. Being “ready” is a myth anyway, and Landon is still alive so I think we’re doing okay so far. Right? Right.
We’ve had Baby Two on the brain for a few months now, and let me just tell you– it is exceptionally strange to be so conscious of the choice to create a human rather than the alternative of it just happening to you. This time around, it feels irresponsible to just get pregnant. There are so many more things to think about.
Can we afford to have two kids in daycare?
How am I going to get out of the house on time with a toddler and an infant every morning? (see also: Am I prepared to wear a ponytail and yoga pants for the next three to five years?)
How will Landon feel?
When is it least-frowned-upon to take time off of work?
And then comes the really selfish part– Will I have even a shred of my life left after two kids?
I’m so comfortable in the life we have right now that a future where everything changes is kind of scary– even if it’s the future that I’ve always imagined. But isn’t that true of most things?
We’ll figure it out. We might even be good at it! We’ll cut back a little to afford daycare. I’ll wake up an hour earlier (and/or stock up on dry shampoo) to make it out of the house on time. Landon will be jealous, but he’ll get over it. We’ll try for a summer baby so I don’t miss my third graders.
And chances are, I’ll still have a life, albeit in pieces, hidden underneath onesies and sippy cups, wedged between car seats, calling from a distance on late nights and early mornings.
I’ll find the time for myself somewhere. And when I can’t, it will be okay. My heart will be full, and it will roar magnificently through the chaos because though change is scary, it’s beautiful, too.