Today marked the first time Landon and I ventured out into the world by ourselves. SCARY. I would tell you how it went, but I think it might be slightly more entertaining if we heard Landon’s side of things. If he could talk, this is probably how he would recount our morning:
YES! Awake just in time for the Today show. Quick– put a boob in my mouth before I scream.
Forgot how depressing the first hour of the Today show is. I think I’ll go back to sleep until they start cooking something. Hey, Mom? You can go back to sleep now too. You’re welcome.
Woke up with a boob in my mouth. Way to go, Mom! So glad you’re figuring this out.
Sounds like Mom is on the phone with Dad (OMG why aren’t you home yet?!) and she says she wants to go grocery shopping today. Mentions something about how cooperative I’m being today LOL not so fast, Mom!
Immediately start screaming for no apparent reason. Mom rules out all the usual suspects– burp me, change me, rock me. Surprise! Still crying. Solution? More boob time.
P.S. I totally just foiled any plans Mom had of leaving before 11AM. There’s no way I’m missing Kathie Lee and Hoda– it’s Boozeday Tuesday.
Mom seems to think she’s ready for the day LOL I don’t have the heart to tell her that her hair looks like she just rolled out of bed. Which she did. At least she put some makeup on because, well, YIKES. Someone has some mean dark circles under their eyes and it’s not me.
Mom straps me to her chest in some kind of cotton contraption so we can take the dog for a walk. Mom tells me she is my big sister, but I don’t see the resemblance. I’m not nearly as hairy, and I definitely don’t poop outside.
Decide to surprise Mom with an explosion in my dipe. Decide not to pee on myself this time, because that usually leads to a bath and BOY do I hate baths! Maybe later.
Mom packs the diaper bag with most of our material possessions. Are we going to the grocery store or backpacking across Europe?
Mom puts me in my car seat and straps me in a little too tight. Standard. I don’t know what these things are on my car seat straps, but Mom keeps calling them my monkey friends. Definitely not friends.
Spent the first five minutes of the car ride trying to eat this monkey’s face. Gave up and succumbed to sleep. No better lullaby than anything by Justin Bieber– love him.
We’ve arrived at the grocery store. Mom is pleading with me to be her good little man. We’ll see.
Mom puts my car seat in this big metal cart thing, and it isn’t so bad. It’s kind of like being in the car, except I can see Mom. Liking that. Hating that my jams aren’t playing, though, and this place seems kind of dirty and full of strangers.
Start whimper-crying because Mom isn’t paying attention to me. Suddenly distracted by the boob in my mouth. Wait– is that a boob? Definitely not. Just my paci. You’re a trickster, Mom, but this will do.
Awake from my paci-induced slumber to find that I’m surrounded by food. Someone is touching my foot. Not surprising, pretty sure Mom is obsessed with them. They’re little, I’m little.. funny how that works. Except– wait– Mom? WHO IS THIS LADY?! STRANGER STRANGER STRANGER TOUCHING MY FOOT!
Suddenly our big metal cart thing starts moving again, and Mom looks like she wants to punch someone. She mutters something about crazy people and assures me that will never happen again. Get real, Mom. Do you know how cute I am? Like anyone could resist pinching these cheeks and touching these wittle feets. Keep some sanitizer handy.
Did we just teleport to Antarctica? WHY IS IT SO COLD?! I don’t care that all you have left to grab are Hot Pockets for Daddy (sorry, Dad), get me out of here!
Start screaming so loud my whole body turns red. Mom tries to console me with the paci. Not this time, Mom! I’m onto you.
Mom looks panicked and finds the closest checkout line. Glad she knows who’s boss.
Air conditioning. Justin Bieber. Monkey acquaintances (they’re growing on me). Looks like this baby is going home!
Initiate explosion #2 in my dipe. Mom needs something to do when we get home. I’ve been letting her have way too much free time lately.
Briefly consider screaming to keep the car ride interesting. Mom turns up the radio. Nap time ensues.
Justin Bieber– 2, Landon– 0.